Raising a child who is entering her “terrible twos” is not always the easiest thing in the world. Compared to other children, mine is really good. Like, I consider myself incredibly lucky, good. She does have her days though. Today was one of those days.
Being that I’m a depresso (that is, of course, the clinical term) and have serious thyroid issues, I am exhausted most days so that means a lot of time lying down in bed. Aisha, being the great kid that she is (yes, I’m bragging. What of it? Wanna fight about it?), just rolls with it. She usually cuddles up with me and we watch her favorite movies or she plays here in the room with her toys.
Then there are those other days. The days mommy is a trampoline. A jungle gym. Furniture. My bed and I are the McDonalds Play Place and she is an over-energized patron who was given the large soda by mistake.
It starts out so innocently. My lovely girl is standing beside me, watching Hotel Transylvania 2, being an angel. I am lying on my side, probably reading my Facebook news feed on my phone because it’s the only activity that takes virtually no physical or mental energy. I can hear the crinkle of her tiny little diapey as it moves closer to my ear. Slowly, very slowly, she inches herself toward the top of my body while she continues to watch the movie. The crinkling gets louder and louder. Suddenly, I see the shadow over my face and her pajama-covered diapey bottom seems to get larger and larger as it gets nearer to my face. Then it lands. She wiggles around until she finds the most comfortable spot. Then she proceeds to use her new chair to continue to watch her movie as if it’s not my freaking head.
That’s not even the worst part. No. The worst part is when she uses that same head for a slide.
“Wheeeee!”, she says with great joy.
“OW! Holy FUCK! Why, God, WHY???”, you scream, as the hairs are ripped from your head in massive patches and you sit up, vowing never to lie down near her again.
Surely a lot of you parents feel where I’m coming from here. Toddlers, man… whaddaya gonna do?
(Pictured: Baberson with a bowl on her head, watching cartoons on the laptop)