That’s what every mom wants to scream at their toddler every single time they need to visit the little lady’s room. “Why?”, non-parents will ask. Well, darling, I’ll tell you why – because toddlers go where mommy goes. Even where mommy… goes.
I, for one, couldn’t wait for the day my little love would lose interest in my bathroom times. One thing she loved to do was hand me books and make me read to her. Even if I was only going to be there for a second, I still had to read to her. I vowed that anytime she was interested in a book, I would stop whatever I was doing and read to her because that’s far more important. I didn’t realize what that vow would entail.
One day she ran in with a Spot book. Spot was my favorite when I was a kid. I had the books, the plush dog and his carrying box/dog house. So you can imagine my joy when I realized these were her favorites too. I start reading Spot Goes To The Beach. I get a page in and she runs back out of the room. A second later she runs out and hands me a different Spot book. I’m a little hesitant, but I start to read that one instead. She runs back out. This time I’m mad. When she comes back with another book and I’m sitting there with a mini-library on my lap, I lose it a little bit and yell one of those phrases you never think you’re going to yell, “STOP HANDING ME SPOT BOOKS! I’M TRYING TO PEE!” She, of course, thinks it’s hilarious.
In addition to reading, she also likes to get into things in the bathroom and everything is either dangerous or gross. So I’m constantly correcting her. “NO! Don’t get in the trash can! NO! Get out of the cabinet! There are chemicals in there! You don’t know what chemicals are, I know, but they’re bad! Oh, no! You are not allowed to unroll the toilet paper! NO! DO NOT PICK UP HAIR OFF THE FLOOR AND EAT IT!!! YUCK! OH MY GOD! NOOOO! DO NOT LICK THE WATER DADDY LEFT ALL OVER THE BATHROOM SINK! EEEEEEWWWW!” Oh, and my personal favorite that just happened today – my pants are around my ankles and she steps into them like she’s trying to wear them too. “Aisha! Get out of my pants!!!”
All that being said, I did say that I couldn’t wait for her to lose interest in the bathroom. The day she kept watching her movie when I made my trip was, I thought, the best day ever! “Woohoo”, I thought. I’m freeeee!
I thought wrong. This little troublemaker waits until my longer visits, knowing I can’t get to her very quickly, and does everything she’s not allowed to do. She started slowly by sucking on my iPod charger cord. She knows she can’t have cords. She loves them though. Did I mention she ruined her dad’s iPhone by sucking on the charger port and causing it to erode/rust out? Or she will play with the laptop she uses to watch cartoons, even though she’s not supposed to touch it. If I leave a drink on the table, she’ll get it. Things like that.
There was this one day, though, that she just outdid herself. She was so stealth this day that I didn’t even know what was happening until it was done. Sneaky Sneakerson had confiscated a roll of toilet paper and tore/unraveled about half of it onto the bed. That’s not the best (worst) part though. I come out and she’s still got some of the toilet paper in her toes, my charger cord in her mouth, my drink in one hand and is on the computer, hacking into some government agency’s website. I mean, probably. You know how kids are with technology these days.
And you know what she did when she saw me? She smiled the biggest, most triumphant smile I’ve ever seen and gestured around like, “Check this out, Mom! This is my best work yet!” And it was. All I could do was laugh and take pictures.