Unpause

Thank you all for your patience while I sorted things out with myself. Sometimes we – myself and I – forget how to funny.

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I will be honest. I have no idea how to discipline a toddler who won’t sit still for longer than two seconds. So I do what any clueless mom does and goes online to research the topic on mommy forums. Yes, other clueless moms giving advice on what they think the best method is to keep your kid from being a tiny asshole. What could possibly go wrong?

Of course, I see all the moms saying spanking is wrong. “It will just make them afraid of you”, they say. “You should never hit kids. You wouldn’t hit an adult would you?” Uh. I have and I would again! Ok, maybe if it wasn’t illegal. If I wasn’t looking at jail time, I’d probably know how to fight a lot better than I do because the one punch I’ve thrown in my life landed squarely in the forehead of the recipient. In retrospect, aiming for something like a nose may have been a better option. Ah, hindsight really is 20/20.

Anywhoo, spanking is out. They recommend time out. That has been tried and will be put on the back burner until this tiny girl is old enough to understand what the fuck we’re even doing in the corner. What about now? I saw one woman’s comment that
really got to me. She said she always disciplined with love because that’s how she wished her parents had disciplined her. That sounded really nice to me. I don’t agree that my parents should have done that with me though. I’m glad they spanked my
ass when I was acting up. I could have ended up being a real tool if they hadn’t.

Times are changing, though, and in this age of too much information, you can find studies to prove or disprove everything. I’m too lazy to read the actual studies and point out their strengths/flaws and make an informed decision, thus why I’m on
these gawddamn mommy forums at 3 am. So I hear them loud and clear. Discipline with love. Wonderful. Lets do this.

My next opportunity to discipline with love comes when I’m changing this tiny girl’s diapy butt. She has this bad habit of kicking me when I do. This may not sound that bad, and it wasn’t when she was smaller, but she’s strong now. Really strong. It hurts. You don’t understand. She is always doing squats. And yoga. Kickboxing too, apparently.

So I take her kicking legs and put them down gently, saying, “No, lovey. We don’t kick because it hurts people. Don’t kick mommy.”

She looks like she understands and I’m like, cool, this must be working. Nope. She starts kicking me again. Again I put her legs down, more firmly this time, and tell her that it is not okay, she is not to kick people, it hurts, etc. Still a lot of love there.

Now she just looks mad. I go back to her diapering and all of a sudden, BAM! She kicks me as hard as she can, right in the face.

This time I’m mad. I look down at her and while she’s looking satisfied with herself, I scream, “IF YOU KICK ME AGAIN, I’M GOING TO SMACK YOU SO HARD YOUR GRANDPARENTS WILL FEEL IT.” It was an empty threat. Her grandparents live almost thirty miles away. They’re safe!

It worked. She kept her legs still, looking at me with wide eyes while I finished what I had started.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay if your children are afraid of you. Just a little bit.

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2 thoughts on “Unpause

  1. I love the humor in this post. I’ve been to a few baby showers in which advice is solicited. My best advice is always “Trust your own judgement. There will be TONS of people telling you how to raise YOUR children. At the end of the day, every child is different. You know your child. You know what you’re comfortable with. Know that you are capable and awesome.”

    Like

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